feistiest:

“when did you lose your innocence?”

when i was 17 i was at a bar with my friend
and i gave my first kiss to a guy that was either drowning in alcohol or the lack of it
and it wasn’t gentle
it wasn’t sweet
it wasn’t anything a first kiss should be

“when did you lose your innocence?”

when i was 16 a boy i barely knew touched me in places i didn’t want to be touched
told me words i didn’t want to be told
and his lips were on my jaw
and on my neck
and venturing lower and lower
and i thought, it’s fine, it’s okay
everyone’s doing it anyways
but it wasn’t fine
and it wasn’t okay

“when did you lose your innocence?”

when i was 15 my friend called me, crying
her first and true love left her, she said
she wasn’t good enough for him, she said
he found someone better, she said
i ran to her house and she was on the floor of her bed
with pills and a pool of blood surrounding her
and i still remember how i stood there for a long time,
frozen
thinking how she thought she wasn’t good enough for her own life, either

“when did you lose your innocence?”

when i was 14 we were tasked to deliver a speech on a subject matter we held dear to our heart
and my best friend decided to talk about girls liking other girls
about how she was often mistaken to like another girl
about how, even though there was nothing wrong with that, she just
didn’t
she didn’t like girls
she didn’t like girls
she did not like girls
i wonder if she knew how gray the world looked to me that day

“when did you lose your innocence?”

when i was 13 everyone told me i was destined for greatness
everyone told me i was smart
everyone told me i was special
everyone told me to always be better
everyone told me to always be the best
everyone told me they were counting on me
i was just a kid

“when did you lose your innocence?”

when i was 12 i swore to myself that i would never throw my life away
i swore to myself i despised people who went to bars
and got drunk
and let a complete stranger become intimate with them in a matter of seconds just for the sake of it
i swore to myself i knew who i was
and who i wasn’t
i swore to myself i believed first love lasts
and everyone you love would always love you back

i think that was when i lost my innocence